Pornography was introduced into my life at the age of 10 and started growing little by little to the point where it had become who I was behind closed doors. I had a difficult time getting my hands on pornography as a teenager but what I did see stayed in my memory. As a result, fantasy started influencing my thought life and my interest in self-sex started growing.
I met my wife to be and although my addiction slowed down it did not go away. Before long we decided to get married and I thought that the addiction would go away because my wife would be able to meet all of my sexual needs. Pornography painted a picture in my mind that women wanted sex just as much as I did and that they would submissively meet all of my needs. That is the picture the world has painted. I came to understand this is a distortion of God's beautiful plan for sexual union between a man and his wife. .
The addiction did not go away it just shifted gears and started to decay our marriage. My sexual addiction subtly got worse over a 20-year period. I was dying inside to have my wife show affection towards me without me initiating every encounter. I would try to manipulate my wife to have sex with me and if it did not work I would go down the road of self-sex to relieve my frustrations. Shame would then overwhelm me and I would rationalize why I did it in order to deal with the shame. I prayed for 20 years that God would heal me from this addiction or take me home. I didn't feel there was anyone I could talk to that would understand, or that I could be accountable to. The roller coaster ride I was on took me to suicidal thoughts, secrecy, and shame, compartmentalizing my life, low self-stem, and running from God.
My worst nightmare came true when I hit a wall and my addiction was exposed. I was weak, vulnerable, out of town with some friends, drinking and ended up having a one-night affair. What went through my mind was that my marriage was over and I wanted to die.
The Holy Spirit spoke to me in my prayers and told me to call my pastor and tell him what happened. I struggled with what I needed to do but I called my pastor and told him what I had done. He calmed me down and told me I was doing the right thing in calling him and confessing what had happened. Then he said that I needed to tell my wife. I said ok. Then he said that she has every right to leave but he did not feel that was going to happen. I LOST IT. If that was not bad enough he said I needed to tell other men in my life that would hold me accountable to walk out of this. First I confessed to my wife what I had done and the addiction I was dealing with. Then I told three other men in my life.
One of the men was Mike Evans who agreed to meet with me over a period of weeks and deal with the inner healing wounds that were a significant part of the addiction. He gave me books to read to help me with my addiction and became an accountability partner. The first book I read was “Final Freedom” by Doug Weiss, which uses the 12-step program. Then I read “Pure Desire” by Ted Roberts.. Reading these books showed me that I was not alone in this addiction and there was a way out. ( I really thought that the 20 billion dollar a year porn industry was out there just for me).
After a considerable amount of healing prayer and reading about this particular addiction I realized that I needed an accountability group. I asked Mike Evans if he knew of any groups dealing with this issue. He said no but suggested we start one using the material by Ted Roberts. That was 4 years ago. Because of God's grace my marriage is better than I ever could have expected. My wife and I can honestly say that we are glad for what has happened to us for truly God has given beauty for ashes. I currently have a men's group that helps many men deal with sexual addictions through real honesty and transparency.
In addition, my wife has recently begun a group for women who are addicted to pornography or whose husbands are addicted to pornography. Let me emphasize that my addiction to pornography was my choice and I never blamed my wife for my problem.
God has been reshaping our marriage and moving us out into ministry with numerous couples. My wife and I are leading the marriage ministry at our church and facilitate a marriage group at our home where couples are finding freedom and grace to reflect God's relationship with us in their marriages. .
Don't wait to hit the wall!
Paul Stubblefield